Doctor Dick, Pilot Prick [Part One] -The London Datress xo

Scrolling through the lists and lists of faces-mostly heinous, and ridiculous emails-barely intelligible, I see a photo of a dapper man standing next to a fighter jet. Ding, ding, ding! I should now mention that I am dubious of pilots, being exposed to this particularly reptilian breed of man on a regular basis, is reason enough NOT to date one, however I do love planes, and have a weakness for military aircraft, so I’m immediately hooked….

First mistake.

He has about 5 pictures, because let’s face it, this is paramount, and anyone who disagrees with me is outright lying, and they aren’t GREAT, but his profile is an enjoyable read and he is actually a Doctor by day and Pilot by hobby. Ding, ding, ding! An interesting combination and enough to prick my fancy. We correspond for a while before he suggests a facebook add. I creep his profile to find he;
A. Has an incredibly cute dog, and
B. He is FILTHY fucking rich. My investigation is worth it! A house in Primrose Hill, a Yacht in Florida, a pimp house in Spain, etc…
C. Lots of photos with Maxim models… hmmm…

We exchange numbers on Friday and text-plan a date for Sushi, somewhere near his, on Monday at 18:30. Over the course of the weekend, I receive frequent texts from this self-described “confident” man. Overly confident, yes! Over-eager, check! He changes the date back to Sunday, even though it’s Mothering Sunday and initially this was a problem, however its now OK for drinks, as he is “eager to meet”.
Score:
Mum=0
Datress=1

I take this in stride and play the game. I am out on the prowl with SW Datress on Saturday night, and receive “hello sexy hostess” on my BlackBerry, respond: “haha. Full of charm, eh?” “ :(” … Poor ‘confident’ man apparently can’t handle a smartass Datress.

I wake. Date morning. Hungover. Text received:“ Shall we say (station) at 7? Then maybe smoke a shisha at my place?” We debate. I will not get into his car (and don’t particular fancy shisha at his). He calls me a muppet and silly- My face is turning red. “…you’ve seen my facebook, I’m not a kidnapper, you nutter!”- Surely visible steam is whistling from my ears… Really, because all kidnappers advertise their latest abduction on facebook, this is clearly a succinct rebuttal on his part…

We finally agree on drinks near the tube station, he changes the time, being Sunday, the tube line is closed, and I recommend somewhere more accessible, he says, “How about I just be a gent and pick u up Or too scared?” My already scarlet face is near beetroot now, this man knows how to aggravate this Datress. We arg-text some more and I am told, “Your [you’re- my pet hate] going to be a challenge, I can tell… Maybe I’ll send my dog, you might like him more.”

This is getting ridiculous, Berry in hand, I dial.

The overly confident man has the voice of a pre-pubescent private school boy. I envision a spotty face, a teen-stache, a greasy side-part, and a gangly body dressed in D&G. I chuckle to myself and wonder if his balls have dropped yet. “Why are you worried, it’s not like I’m going to kidnap you and hold you hostage, I mean, trust me, har har, I have Enough Money, and I’m not about to risk my career and life on someone like you, someone I don’t even know…” … So you would risk your career kidnapping someone you DO know?! Interesting, Doc…
Have I mentioned my exploratory facebook creeping has uncovered he is a Psychiatrist?

My instincts say it’s time to deliver a light dose of venom and put this posh boy in his place, but my social-curiosity is unfailing, and sees the potential of this masochistic experiment.
Score:
Instincts =0
Masochism= 1

The date is arranged, 20:00 at a wine bar near me, let’s not inconvenience myself too much, right?

I sleep for one hour, and wake to 5 texts. Yes, FIVE. Asking to re-arrange the time and the place, I shrug these off and reconfirm the original plan.

10 minutes later- another request for change of time and place to somewhere where we can smoke shisha. I am now quite sure he probably replaces the tobacco with roofies and THIS is how he gets girls, so I say, “This is all getting a bit silly. Let’s just forget it. All the best!”
Score:
Instincts =1
Masochism= 1

Reply:“I just thought it might be more fun! :( OK”

Ignored.

10 minutes later- “PS if you change your mind I’ll still come 2 u was just trying to entertain you :(("

Throwing my hands up in exasperation, H, my flatmate’s boyfriend suggests that maybe he really was just trying to make it ‘memorable’. I am convinced that he is a control freak who just can’t handle decisions made by someone else, and also that he really IS trying to drug me and kidnap me, yet I respond with the time and location.

Big mistake?
Well, let’s just say, I haven’t gotten to the good part yet! …

Score:
Instincts =1
Masochism= 2+

[To Be Continued.]